Originally published at The Spoof, March 1, 2011

(10) Does not speak any known language.

(9) Flying saucer command module beams him down to TV studios for morning show interviews.

(8) His veins damaged by radical breaches.

(7) His aura melts bones and faces like wax.

(6) Fought the Corduroys on the Planet Genatur.

(5) Tells world leaders he is “on a quest to claim absolute victory across the board on every front in this whole mess. ”

(4) Admits he is bi-winning.

(3) Can morph into warlock.

(2) Tells official he is “tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars”.

(1) Full body scan reveals he has a different brain and a different heart. And tiger blood.

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