Originally published at Yahoo! Voices, January 21, 2009
1) At your favorite coffee shop, have them make a froth heart design on the surface of the coffee. Before drinking, use a spoon to make a big “X” across the heart. Snicker to yourself and have a sip.
2) From your home computer, send ecards to your office email account. Select animated, noisy e-cards. Schedule the cards to arrive regularly throughout the day. When the cards arrive, open each, sigh, and lukewarmly say “Another one.”
3) Write a poem. The last time you wrote one was years ago, right? Here are some good words to use: disgust, broken, eternity, thee. Example:
On this heartfelt day I wanted to say,
Thoughts of you in my mind I did see,
Lust and desire for an eternity.
But today I know this urgent yearning,
Is not for you but another person.
4) When asked what you’ll be doing for Valentine’s, say that for reasons you would rather not discuss, no one in your family honors any occasion that has the letters “v-a-l” in the first word of the description of the celebration.
5) Make new friends! Write a tender email message. Use only a letter for the salutation. (e.g. “Dear M,”) Then, choose some names and add an email domain. (Example; email@example.com ) Be creative with the names. Send to several, maybe a hundred different email addresses. Wait for responses that ask you if you had mistakenly sent the email to the wrong address. In your reply, say you had not made a mistake and that you guess the addressee had closed his or her account. Sound a little dejected. Use sympathy to your advantage.
6) Make a mix CD or iTunes playlist of love songs you hate. At home, play the music softly, and while listening, say to yourself “Yeah, right”, or “No way”. At work, play loud enough for others to hear through your earphones or speakers. Repeat above phrases or use your own creative commentary.
7) When you see anyone wearing red, or receiving chocolate, those little hearts candies with the words on them, or flowers, do a little jig, bow, and continue on your way.
Invite your romantic interest on a date to a gory horror movie because the film will have “lots of red”.
9) Buy heart shaped box of chocolates. Have your dog (or any animal handy) take a bite out of the package. Bring damaged box of chocolates to work and offer a candy to everyone. (For added effect, take a bite from each chocolate to create “heart” shapes. Replace in box. Tell everyone you found these cool heart-shaped chocolates at an artisanal chocolate shop.)
10) Send a “Happy Anniversary” e-card to the last “significant other” that dumped you. Note how many days it has been since the break-up. Example: Dear (name), Just wanted to say Hi on this, the (number= __th) day since you said those fateful words “We have to talk”! Yeah, I’m thinking of you… (signed your-name-here).